Subtitle: A review of John Mayer’s latest (crap) album “Battle Studies”
Starving status: John Mayer has either really stopped trying, or he thinks we're all retarded. Even if the music is nice, we're going to notice when the lyrics pretty much say "I want to fuck you but I don't want to have to ever talk to you".
So I have actually been a long time fan of John Mayer; I have actually paid for his albums, paid to see him in concert, and even spent time learning how to play his songs on the guitar (obviously only the easy ones). Following his career, you can see his progression as an artist both musically and lyrically. Musically he has matured, and his skills have increased heard both in the overall sound and arrangement of his songs. Lyrically he has moved from seemingly cute and lovely with the occasional play-on-words, to ranting about him slutting around, breaking up with everyone (Jennifer Aniston)… basically songs designed to procure sympathy shags.
Let’s examine the wankiness of the new album, “Battle Studies”
1) The title. “Battle Studies”. The theme is continued, giving song titles such as “Heartbreak Warfare”, “Assassin” and “War of My Life”.
I understand he did this to help convey what a hard time he’s had lately, (going out with other famous people and being a millionaire must be hard), but he completely fails. Not only are we all completely aware that he obviously has no idea what the “battles” of real life involve, but also he seems to go “oh that’s enough of the battle theme, I’m going to name these other songs things like “do you know me”…the fans will still eat it up”.
No John, we won’t.
2) Lyrics of the first single “Who Says”.
The first line is “Who says I can’t get stoned”. Well John, I’m pretty sure the law does somewhere.
3) “Who Says” continued.
“Who says I can’t get stoned?/Call up a girl that I used to know/Fake love for an hour or so”
Translated…he loves a good booty call
4) Lyrics “Heartbreak Warfare”
“IF you want more love/why don’t you say so”
Pretty shit relationship if she actually has to ask for you to love her more.
5) Lyrics “Half of my heart”
This entire song is wankiness about how he will never love her with his whole heart. At one stage of the song he actually says that he can’t keep loving her with half of his heart. So basically she’s going to get nothing.
6) Lyrics “Edge of desire”
“don't say a word/just come over and lie here with me”
Translation: Shut up and fuck me
7) Lyrics “Friends, Lovers or Nothing”
“You whisper "Come on over"/Cause your two drinks in/But in the morning I will say goodbye again”
So basically John Mayer is the kind of ex boyfriend who will come over and shag your drunk-ass and then leave you in dumpsville with nothing but a hangover and a reason to use the morning after pill.
8) Anything else to do with the album.
So after hearing this album (the second of my two listens before I deleted it from my iPod), I came to the realistation that all along John Mayer had an evil plan of writing deviant lyrics and hiding them behind wicked guitar skills.
To further illustrate my new feelings towards John, here is a brief trip down memory lane to the older John Mayer albums. My newfound realisation has drawn some light to some thoughts lurking in my subconscious. Some part of me had always realised there were some dodgy lyrics, but I, along with millions of other 15 year old girls, was fooled by the misdirection of false sentiments, disguised behind the music ie John Mayer’s evil plan.
Song: Wheel
Wankiness: “I won’t be the last to love her” / “No you won’t be the first to love me”
Song: Something’s missing
Wankiness: “Friends -check- Money -check-A well slept Opposite sex –check”
Song: Not Myself
Wankiness: “Would you want me when I’m not myself”
Song : Comfortable
Wankiness: “I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to…………she’s perfect so flawless I’m not impressed I want you back”
Song: No Such Thing
Wankiness: “I am invincible as long as I’m alive”
Now I don’t regret the time spent on the older albums, we had a lovely time together, and it was fun while it lasted, but this new album has basically left me feeling like John Mayer was cheating on me throughout our whole relationship. It does in no way make me want to offer a sympathy shag should I ever meet him. Now I would only sleep with him because he has slept with Jennifer Aniston, who has slept with Brad Pitt, so if I slept with John Mayer…I would almost have slept with Brad Pitt. Win.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Facebook Groups
Status to be fleshed out:
...i really did flip my pillow over last night...does that mean i have to join that stupid group?
There are some terrible groups on facebook. There is one group named something like "I see the group. I laugh. I join. I never look at it again". This groups is sort of terrible, but only sort of - it gets points for accuracy because let's face it, none of us really do anything once we join a group.
Other crap groups include:
"I flip my pillow over to the cold side" groups. Partially because I do NOT flip my pillow (unlike many of my friends) but because I don't care who does this and who does not.
"I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves" groups. Many of these groups say "leafs" or something else retarded, but also because they are filled with annoying people trying to show their annoying friends how unique they are, trying to hold on to their childhood by acting like a toddler despite being 21 and studying Biochemisty. After joining this group they probably go and listen to '30 Seconds to Mars'.
"I broke my phone and need your numbers" groups. Created by lazy alcoholics. Joined by people who won't post their number and won't leave the group. Ever.
One of my friends just joined a group called "Needja digits!". I wouldn't join on principle.
"If [some batshit crazy number] people join, [something CRAZY will happen]" groups. No, no it won't. That lady isn't going to name her child "Megatron", that guy isn't changing is name to "Pope of chilli town", there will always be school on Fridays, and no you can't have visible tattoos or piercings at work. Move on.
Groups that (in my opinion) are awesome
Funny topical groups - but only if you leave once the story is over eg "I had an affair with Tiger Woods". Obviously I did not actually have an affair with Tiger Woods. I can prove it because I don't look like Charlize Theron (schwing!), and because I'm currently broke. But for 3 weeks it's funny.
Anything about tights not being pants eg "Tights are not pants", "I can see your tights, but where are your pants?". I like these because tights are in face NOT PANTS.
Groups that justify unhealthy living - "Cheese and Bacon is an entire meal", "Mi Goreng Appreciation Society", "I love champagne and champagne loves me". Not because I think being unhealthy makes me cool, but because I am unhealthy.
Also, anything about how awesome Bruce Willis* is.
Done.
* will also accept John McLane, Die Hard, Yippy Ki Yay.
...i really did flip my pillow over last night...does that mean i have to join that stupid group?
There are some terrible groups on facebook. There is one group named something like "I see the group. I laugh. I join. I never look at it again". This groups is sort of terrible, but only sort of - it gets points for accuracy because let's face it, none of us really do anything once we join a group.
Other crap groups include:
"I flip my pillow over to the cold side" groups. Partially because I do NOT flip my pillow (unlike many of my friends) but because I don't care who does this and who does not.
"I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves" groups. Many of these groups say "leafs" or something else retarded, but also because they are filled with annoying people trying to show their annoying friends how unique they are, trying to hold on to their childhood by acting like a toddler despite being 21 and studying Biochemisty. After joining this group they probably go and listen to '30 Seconds to Mars'.
"I broke my phone and need your numbers" groups. Created by lazy alcoholics. Joined by people who won't post their number and won't leave the group. Ever.
One of my friends just joined a group called "Needja digits!". I wouldn't join on principle.
"If [some batshit crazy number] people join, [something CRAZY will happen]" groups. No, no it won't. That lady isn't going to name her child "Megatron", that guy isn't changing is name to "Pope of chilli town", there will always be school on Fridays, and no you can't have visible tattoos or piercings at work. Move on.
Groups that (in my opinion) are awesome
Funny topical groups - but only if you leave once the story is over eg "I had an affair with Tiger Woods". Obviously I did not actually have an affair with Tiger Woods. I can prove it because I don't look like Charlize Theron (schwing!), and because I'm currently broke. But for 3 weeks it's funny.
Anything about tights not being pants eg "Tights are not pants", "I can see your tights, but where are your pants?". I like these because tights are in face NOT PANTS.
Groups that justify unhealthy living - "Cheese and Bacon is an entire meal", "Mi Goreng Appreciation Society", "I love champagne and champagne loves me". Not because I think being unhealthy makes me cool, but because I am unhealthy.
Also, anything about how awesome Bruce Willis* is.
Done.
* will also accept John McLane, Die Hard, Yippy Ki Yay.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Mossimo >>>> Bonds
Fleshed out update:
...is buying 60 chupa chups for $9.72 at Big W
So I will sit here, suck on my 16.2 cent lollypop (strawberry) and blog away.
Obviously I went shopping, and as I found it necessary to share my delight at the chupa chup purchase, you can assume correctly it wasn't a very goal-oriented shopping day. The main thing I brought away from this shopping (besides the collection of random objects which included highlighters and previously mentioned candy), is....
SCREW YOU BONDS
When did it become ok for Bonds to charge so much for normal underwear?
First I shall note that I'm not some stingy hobo wearing undies from the bin outside Coles, but really Bonds clearly thinks it is way more awesome than it is.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy Bonds like every single other Australian. Their singlets made up 80% of my wardrobe from the year 2004-2006, the hoodies are perfection and I've probably had their hipster bikini in every colour. Ever.
However, on the shopping trip that resulted in the update, I began in Myer and bought a pair of MitchDowd Girl undies (blue and awesome) for $13.95, and 2 pairs of Mossimo boyleg for $19.95, and because Myer is supreme in the underwear realm, they were 25% off. Fabulous. I felt like I was practically stealing from them.
I digress....anyway we ended up in Target (you must always visit Target and you will always purchase things you didn't know you needed. Like Bunnings) and the Bonds undies (in Target) were $12. And that was 20% off!
Bonds. $12. Each. In Target.
(You'll remember I recently paid $7.48 each for Mossimo)
Are you kidding? When did that happen? I admit I may have graduated from Bonds (mostly), but I remember them being like $6...or something. What the f?
Wearing Bonds said "I am wearing undies that are just undies, but they're comfy and in a good colour, and you're probably wearing them too" (just like Chloe & Lola says "I'm female and I make money, but I'd prefer that YOU just made more money so I can spend my time buying nice girly things").
I'm not complaining at the price of $12 (obviously), but Bonds used to be cool and cheap. Now they're too cool. Bonds needs to have a look at their brand identity - just because you have a section in Myer and Davind Jones does not mean you are competing with Elle Macpherson. You're not. Calvin Klein can charge whatever they want. You're Bonds. Go back in your box.
Hehehehe "box".
...is buying 60 chupa chups for $9.72 at Big W
So I will sit here, suck on my 16.2 cent lollypop (strawberry) and blog away.
Obviously I went shopping, and as I found it necessary to share my delight at the chupa chup purchase, you can assume correctly it wasn't a very goal-oriented shopping day. The main thing I brought away from this shopping (besides the collection of random objects which included highlighters and previously mentioned candy), is....
SCREW YOU BONDS
When did it become ok for Bonds to charge so much for normal underwear?
First I shall note that I'm not some stingy hobo wearing undies from the bin outside Coles, but really Bonds clearly thinks it is way more awesome than it is.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy Bonds like every single other Australian. Their singlets made up 80% of my wardrobe from the year 2004-2006, the hoodies are perfection and I've probably had their hipster bikini in every colour. Ever.
However, on the shopping trip that resulted in the update, I began in Myer and bought a pair of MitchDowd Girl undies (blue and awesome) for $13.95, and 2 pairs of Mossimo boyleg for $19.95, and because Myer is supreme in the underwear realm, they were 25% off. Fabulous. I felt like I was practically stealing from them.
I digress....anyway we ended up in Target (you must always visit Target and you will always purchase things you didn't know you needed. Like Bunnings) and the Bonds undies (in Target) were $12. And that was 20% off!
Bonds. $12. Each. In Target.
(You'll remember I recently paid $7.48 each for Mossimo)
Are you kidding? When did that happen? I admit I may have graduated from Bonds (mostly), but I remember them being like $6...or something. What the f?
Wearing Bonds said "I am wearing undies that are just undies, but they're comfy and in a good colour, and you're probably wearing them too" (just like Chloe & Lola says "I'm female and I make money, but I'd prefer that YOU just made more money so I can spend my time buying nice girly things").
I'm not complaining at the price of $12 (obviously), but Bonds used to be cool and cheap. Now they're too cool. Bonds needs to have a look at their brand identity - just because you have a section in Myer and Davind Jones does not mean you are competing with Elle Macpherson. You're not. Calvin Klein can charge whatever they want. You're Bonds. Go back in your box.
Hehehehe "box".
Thursday, January 7, 2010
You should always do what other people tell you to
I was told on facebook that I should take my status updates, flesh them out a little, sign off "Lisa F. Daly" and make a blog. And because you should always do what people tell you, here I am.
It apparently shall be a best seller and get me out of pharmacy in 3 years. I bloody well hope so.
Enjoy.
It apparently shall be a best seller and get me out of pharmacy in 3 years. I bloody well hope so.
Enjoy.
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