John Mayer's evil plan

Subtitle: A review of John Mayer’s latest (crap) album “Battle Studies”

Starving status: John Mayer has either really stopped trying, or he thinks we're all retarded. Even if the music is nice, we're going to notice when the lyrics pretty much say "I want to fuck you but I don't want to have to ever talk to you".


So I have actually been a long time fan of John Mayer; I have actually paid for his albums, paid to see him in concert, and even spent time learning how to play his songs on the guitar (obviously only the easy ones). Following his career, you can see his progression as an artist both musically and lyrically. Musically he has matured, and his skills have increased heard both in the overall sound and arrangement of his songs. Lyrically he has moved from seemingly cute and lovely with the occasional play-on-words, to ranting about him slutting around, breaking up with everyone (Jennifer Aniston)… basically songs designed to procure sympathy shags.

Let’s examine the wankiness of the new album, “Battle Studies”

1) The title. “Battle Studies”. The theme is continued, giving song titles such as “Heartbreak Warfare”, “Assassin” and “War of My Life”.
I understand he did this to help convey what a hard time he’s had lately, (going out with other famous people and being a millionaire must be hard), but he completely fails. Not only are we all completely aware that he obviously has no idea what the “battles” of real life involve, but also he seems to go “oh that’s enough of the battle theme, I’m going to name these other songs things like “do you know me”…the fans will still eat it up”.
No John, we won’t.

2) Lyrics of the first single “Who Says”.
The first line is “Who says I can’t get stoned”. Well John, I’m pretty sure the law does somewhere.

3) “Who Says” continued.
“Who says I can’t get stoned?/Call up a girl that I used to know/Fake love for an hour or so”
Translated…he loves a good booty call

4) Lyrics “Heartbreak Warfare”
“IF you want more love/why don’t you say so”
Pretty shit relationship if she actually has to ask for you to love her more.

5) Lyrics “Half of my heart”
This entire song is wankiness about how he will never love her with his whole heart. At one stage of the song he actually says that he can’t keep loving her with half of his heart. So basically she’s going to get nothing.

6) Lyrics “Edge of desire”
“don't say a word/just come over and lie here with me”
Translation: Shut up and fuck me

7) Lyrics “Friends, Lovers or Nothing”
“You whisper "Come on over"/Cause your two drinks in/But in the morning I will say goodbye again”
So basically John Mayer is the kind of ex boyfriend who will come over and shag your drunk-ass and then leave you in dumpsville with nothing but a hangover and a reason to use the morning after pill.

8) Anything else to do with the album.


So after hearing this album (the second of my two listens before I deleted it from my iPod), I came to the realistation that all along John Mayer had an evil plan of writing deviant lyrics and hiding them behind wicked guitar skills.


To further illustrate my new feelings towards John, here is a brief trip down memory lane to the older John Mayer albums. My newfound realisation has drawn some light to some thoughts lurking in my subconscious. Some part of me had always realised there were some dodgy lyrics, but I, along with millions of other 15 year old girls, was fooled by the misdirection of false sentiments, disguised behind the music ie John Mayer’s evil plan.

Song: Wheel
Wankiness: “I won’t be the last to love her” / “No you won’t be the first to love me”

Song: Something’s missing
Wankiness: “Friends -check- Money -check-A well slept Opposite sex –check”

Song: Not Myself
Wankiness: “Would you want me when I’m not myself”

Song : Comfortable
Wankiness: “I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to…………she’s perfect so flawless I’m not impressed I want you back”

Song: No Such Thing
Wankiness: “I am invincible as long as I’m alive”


Now I don’t regret the time spent on the older albums, we had a lovely time together, and it was fun while it lasted, but this new album has basically left me feeling like John Mayer was cheating on me throughout our whole relationship. It does in no way make me want to offer a sympathy shag should I ever meet him. Now I would only sleep with him because he has slept with Jennifer Aniston, who has slept with Brad Pitt, so if I slept with John Mayer…I would almost have slept with Brad Pitt. Win.