Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Deaf Walrus

So I love reality tv as much as the next overweight irish girl (lots), but I'm going to have to get something off my fabulous chest...

I'm sick of the false emotion they use to try and suck viewers in. You know what I'm talking about...the excessive use of the phrases "journey", "life-changing" "most shocking moment yet".
The number one repeat offender is "The Biggest Loser", with honourable mention to "So You Think You Can Dance".

However to illustrate I am going to use "Masterchef". (PS I'm over using the quotation marks now).
I totally dig this show. We all watch Biggest Loser and I love eating fattening delicious food while watching the fatties run and sweat. When that show is finished, they replace it with an intense cooking show featuring fattening delicious food. Wonderful.

The episode the other night made the contestants cook "their fondest childhood memory". Which is of course ridiculous because most of us would be cooking mud patties and pieces of trampoline. Anyway fat beady Gary (FBG) asks them all to do this, and then the contestants get an emotional probing, making them all break down and weep at the thought of their Nonna...or whoever.

I don't want this shit! Just make them cook spaghetti while standing on one leg or something.

It's total bullshit. The emo stories are not sucking me in any further - I'm already watching. I just want to look at the tasty tasty food. I don't want to hear about cancer and sadness while you cook. It's a cooking show. If you sadness, Dr Phil is on at 12pm weekdays. Fuck off with the emotional bullshit.

The other thing that really annoyed me is that they'll make the emotions seem really important while they all hug and masturbate eachother while sobbing, but then FBG, Greeko and massive guy in the white pants will briefly realise "Holy crap we have to eat this" and then basically the emotions go out the window while they complain (or gush) about the food.

Basically they use the emotions, but at the end it's about whether the food tastes good or not. So don't make me sit through an hour of annoying bullshit and then only show me 5 dishes at the end cooked by people with ridiculously red eyes.

Here are a few quotes that annoyed me the most

"put your hearts on a plate"
"capture your past"
vs
"It better be good otherwise I'm not going to be happy"
"it's your fondest childhood memory you should know it back to front"
"it's a microwave dish...what?"
"are you making the mayonnaise from scratch?"

I'm pretty sure if I was on this show I'd have served homebrand neapolitan icecream with milo on top. Sorry FBG, most mums don't have time to make their mayonnaise from scratch. Perhaps you should have changed the challenge to eliminate this problem. And then eliminate a contestant. And then eliminate your fat head and annoying voice from my television. Wankers.

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