I too would like to be a millionaire

Subtitle: Fuck you Bruno Mars

Here is the Bruno Mars wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Mars"

And here is mine:

...

OH THAT'S RIGHT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

That stupid "Billionaire" song is so fucking annoying, but only because of the first line "I wanna be a billionaire so fricken bad". THAT LINE IS SO INFURIATING. So much so that the rest of the song apparently has Travis McCoy (or "Travie") but I'm not even going to bring him up, because he doesn't sing that stupid first line.


Travis McCoy - This man has slept with Katy Perry, so there must be something NOT terrible about him.

Later in the song Bruno "I have less money than the people buying my music" Mars says that the world better prepare for when he is a billionaire. Well I agree with him there, he's a lot closer to being a billionaire than I am:

Average Australian weekly income = $1200-$1300 ish according to an ABS page I found on google.
Average American famous musician income = $1657687156879684 according to my fingers mashing the keypad. I think it's accurate.

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Also, I just saw Eclipse. I don't want to draw anymore attention to this movie (because I'm sure the whole world cares what I think) so I'll keep it short.

The chick is pretty and much less painful than in the previous movies.

Edward is still a fuckwit. He's a psycho. Like controlling an mental. Get away from me you crackpot stop monitoring everything i do.....is what i would say if i was the chick. (Notice how i can't be bothered to capitalise "i" when I'm typing quickly --ooh there's one).

Jacob is infinitely better than Edward. There's one part in particular, they have a shot of hot hot (duplication intended) shirtless Jacob carrying Bella in his arms all manly and strong and awesome...cut to shot of Edward's head, looking like he's about to cry like a little bitch*

Honorable mention to these two for being awesome:

Alice and Jasper Cullen - totally fucking awesome.



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*speaking of little bitch, I'd like to bring up what will hopefully be the last thing i ever type about masterchef:
Gary is a fat bitch.
Not little. So i don't know why i brought it up. Meh

katy perry, emily blunt and zooey deschanel are the same person

so watching good old masterchef last night (how sad, two posts in a row concerning masterchef) and the lady made some potatoes with garam masala on them. bravo.
anyway, she gets jimmy to taste them and says "does that remind you of your childhood?"

now something there just doesn't sound right even though there's nothing inherently wrong with it, like calling someone puerto rican...i mean jimmy is actually indian (and pretty much only cooks curry on the show)
there's just something... "Hey INDIAN guy do you like the INDIAN potatos? Did you eat them in your INDIAN childhood?"

speaking of childhood, george said something more retarded later in the show "whenever i think of yoghurt i think of honey....possibly because when i was younger i'd eat a lot of yoghurt with honey" or some shite like that.

i swear i had a point to make and didnt just come here to ramble.

anyway, unrelated and more succinct (and thus probably undeserving of the title of the blog), katy perry, emily blunt and zooey deschanel are the same person. image google that shit (but dont regular-google it)



who is that hot chick? wait, what?






word

Deaf Walrus

So I love reality tv as much as the next overweight irish girl (lots), but I'm going to have to get something off my fabulous chest...

I'm sick of the false emotion they use to try and suck viewers in. You know what I'm talking about...the excessive use of the phrases "journey", "life-changing" "most shocking moment yet".
The number one repeat offender is "The Biggest Loser", with honourable mention to "So You Think You Can Dance".

However to illustrate I am going to use "Masterchef". (PS I'm over using the quotation marks now).
I totally dig this show. We all watch Biggest Loser and I love eating fattening delicious food while watching the fatties run and sweat. When that show is finished, they replace it with an intense cooking show featuring fattening delicious food. Wonderful.

The episode the other night made the contestants cook "their fondest childhood memory". Which is of course ridiculous because most of us would be cooking mud patties and pieces of trampoline. Anyway fat beady Gary (FBG) asks them all to do this, and then the contestants get an emotional probing, making them all break down and weep at the thought of their Nonna...or whoever.

I don't want this shit! Just make them cook spaghetti while standing on one leg or something.

It's total bullshit. The emo stories are not sucking me in any further - I'm already watching. I just want to look at the tasty tasty food. I don't want to hear about cancer and sadness while you cook. It's a cooking show. If you sadness, Dr Phil is on at 12pm weekdays. Fuck off with the emotional bullshit.

The other thing that really annoyed me is that they'll make the emotions seem really important while they all hug and masturbate eachother while sobbing, but then FBG, Greeko and massive guy in the white pants will briefly realise "Holy crap we have to eat this" and then basically the emotions go out the window while they complain (or gush) about the food.

Basically they use the emotions, but at the end it's about whether the food tastes good or not. So don't make me sit through an hour of annoying bullshit and then only show me 5 dishes at the end cooked by people with ridiculously red eyes.

Here are a few quotes that annoyed me the most

"put your hearts on a plate"
"capture your past"
vs
"It better be good otherwise I'm not going to be happy"
"it's your fondest childhood memory you should know it back to front"
"it's a microwave dish...what?"
"are you making the mayonnaise from scratch?"

I'm pretty sure if I was on this show I'd have served homebrand neapolitan icecream with milo on top. Sorry FBG, most mums don't have time to make their mayonnaise from scratch. Perhaps you should have changed the challenge to eliminate this problem. And then eliminate a contestant. And then eliminate your fat head and annoying voice from my television. Wankers.

Yeah? Well I go to the gym too and I'm still fat

I hate it when people mention the gym in their status updates. It makes me think they're doing it to show off and make themselves feel good because now everyone knows they went to the gym/make others feel bad for not going to the gym.

Please note that as I write this blog I'm eating a sweet chilli and cheese scroll and drinking a can of pepsi. Health health health darling.

So there are two types of gym-involved status updates.

Type 1: The punch in the face
eg "Lisa F Daly just set a new pb time for 10km on the treadmill. Yay!"
and
Type 2: The stab in the back of the neck
eg "Lisa F Daly just saw the funniest thing at the gym, an old lady fell over! Lolz"

I sort of think Type 1 is better...yeah it's more annoying, and is more likely to cause some eating disorders, but at least it's obvious and the person is being honest. Usually anyway...the sort of person who does post like this is some sort of ironman (or woman) who could arm wrestle Samantha Stosur.

Type 2 however...that's sneaky. That person actually trying to say "I think you should know that I'm better than you. I'm kind of a big deal. But I dont want to punch you in the face, I just want to stab you in the neck from behind...subtely let you know that I've been working out and you're just a fatty sitting there eating leftover thai food. Fatty."
It's not as nice. It has no need to mention the gym at all! The old lady falling over would have been just as funny had it occured anywhere else (Obviously "old lady falling over" can be substituted with other stories)!

For instance, right at this moment my status is "Lisa F Daly was walking past a man in the street today when i heard a splasing noise. but it's ok he wasn't peeing, just vomiting".
Now this occured as I was on my way home from the gym. But I didn't mention that because you know what? Just because you go to the gym does not automatically make you a super fit hottie. I go to the gym and I've got more rolls than a bakery (chortle). If I keep going to the gym maybe one day I'll look like Roseanne in swimmers. Ok it's not that bad.

Either way, mentioning the gym in a status update annoys me...but sometimes I do it anyway to make me feel better. Now let me get back to my left over thai food. Fatty.

Phones hate me

Status: ...just turned on the phone that i lost at christmas...none of the messages or photos make sense

I really do have bad luck with phones. Which is a pity because I enjoy them so. I like the designs and features and playing with them. I always want a new phone but I'm too povo/stingy to keep buying them as I want them (which would be one every other week)...I think I've had a pretty bad run with mobile phones

Lisa F Daly's history of mobile telephony

1. Motorola something something. Had it for probably less than a year and sold it to my friend to buy... no complaint :)
2. Nokia 3315. Everyone had this phone (or the one before it). So study, so reliable, and it had snake. Wonderful. After some ridiculous time...over 2 years I'd say it eventually was dying slowly. Fair enough.
I love you brick nokias!
3. LG something flip. Piece of poo. Had to return it after a couple of weeks. Then it survived a couple of months. Caused me to resolve to never buy another LG product again. My sister in law gave me her...
4. Motorola v3 hot pink flip thing. This was the first "good" phone I had. Good quality pictures, internet that i would never use, bluetooth blablabla...it was ok, but did deteriorate pretty quickly with the speakers failing and buttons not working and having to restart it quite often. It ended up spendning a night facedown on a wet lawn (not my fault) and was stuffed.
5. Mays's motorola flip (black). Totally ok. Mays lent me her cheaper prepaid version of the phone I'd just had that only had one fault - the space button didnt work or something. I used it until I got..
6. Nokia 5...something slide - WORST PHONE EVER. Makes me want to vomit. Looked so good, good features, heavy, physically good. But I had to return it 3 times WITHIN A YEAR. Had to get my sister to yell at the phone company and they eventually gave me a new phone (and they scored my business for another 24 months)
6.5 Mays's sony ericsson something slide. Super cool phone that Mays lent me while the Nokia was getting repairedseveral times, and again when I finally had it with the Nokia and gave up on it. It changed themes depending on the time of day, or for holidays! So much fun! I used this phone for extended periods of time no problem.
7. Samsung U900. I really enjoyed this phone...until after about 4 or 5 months it stopped making sound. For any reason. And then I left it in Andrew's car over christmas, thought it was stolen and blocked the phone and SIM.
8. Nokia 2730? Cheap $99 prepaid. Have been using it for less than 4 months...sometimes it turns itself off, and it refuses to connect to the internet but I'm just happy texting and calling


There were a couple of other loner phones for in-between and while they were getting fixed etc.

I am getting the samsung fixed, I really hope it comes back ok. I'm sick of spending the money on good phones that then end up being pieces of shit that can't do anything. Then I get cheap phones that dont break, but they dont have any features and can't do anything. Well, can't do as much cool stuff.
Now I know I don't need to use Adobe or Powerpoint on my phone, or even email, but I want to take pictures and update facebook! And if I'm paying for these features I'd like to be able to use them.

Note: I've not yet owned an iPhone.
Pay attention, big companies that are clearly really interested in reading this: I've never bought anything LG after that phone.

This is not a very entertaining blog. Sorry. Actually I'm not sorry, suck it you'll never get that time back.

Later

What the f, hair?

Status: ...Seriously, is someone cutting my hair while I sleep? There's this one section that fit in perfectly fine with the rest of my hair until the last couple of days, now it sticks out and refuses to join the rest of the hairs in the ponytail


Ok so I'm a ranga, but my hair has always been ok. Well, since about 2005 it has improved anyway. Since hair straighteners were puchased and frizz-smoothing serums were applied.

My hair used to be nice. Very straight (straighter on the weekends). Long. Shiny (in the good way). Lovely.

Now...what the f, hair??
It's got this rank wave that isn't a wave, isn't a curl. It's mess. And this stupid bit around my forhead that makes my head look even more square (even worse than at uni).
And it's not as shiny. If it hasn't been washed in the last 18 minutes it chucks a nana and goes greasy.

And the worst of all....

...
...
...
...it doesn't straighten properly.

*sob*

And this is after TWO cuts, a new GHD, and a new delicious smelling smoothing treatment.
Now granted with the above things, and a low humidity my hair still looks ok. But nowehere near the old days. It gets a stupid curve at the ends, as soon as I dance (read: sweat) it looks like I've towel dried it and gone to sleep.

Please come back good hair. I miss you.

John Mayer's evil plan

Subtitle: A review of John Mayer’s latest (crap) album “Battle Studies”

Starving status: John Mayer has either really stopped trying, or he thinks we're all retarded. Even if the music is nice, we're going to notice when the lyrics pretty much say "I want to fuck you but I don't want to have to ever talk to you".


So I have actually been a long time fan of John Mayer; I have actually paid for his albums, paid to see him in concert, and even spent time learning how to play his songs on the guitar (obviously only the easy ones). Following his career, you can see his progression as an artist both musically and lyrically. Musically he has matured, and his skills have increased heard both in the overall sound and arrangement of his songs. Lyrically he has moved from seemingly cute and lovely with the occasional play-on-words, to ranting about him slutting around, breaking up with everyone (Jennifer Aniston)… basically songs designed to procure sympathy shags.

Let’s examine the wankiness of the new album, “Battle Studies”

1) The title. “Battle Studies”. The theme is continued, giving song titles such as “Heartbreak Warfare”, “Assassin” and “War of My Life”.
I understand he did this to help convey what a hard time he’s had lately, (going out with other famous people and being a millionaire must be hard), but he completely fails. Not only are we all completely aware that he obviously has no idea what the “battles” of real life involve, but also he seems to go “oh that’s enough of the battle theme, I’m going to name these other songs things like “do you know me”…the fans will still eat it up”.
No John, we won’t.

2) Lyrics of the first single “Who Says”.
The first line is “Who says I can’t get stoned”. Well John, I’m pretty sure the law does somewhere.

3) “Who Says” continued.
“Who says I can’t get stoned?/Call up a girl that I used to know/Fake love for an hour or so”
Translated…he loves a good booty call

4) Lyrics “Heartbreak Warfare”
“IF you want more love/why don’t you say so”
Pretty shit relationship if she actually has to ask for you to love her more.

5) Lyrics “Half of my heart”
This entire song is wankiness about how he will never love her with his whole heart. At one stage of the song he actually says that he can’t keep loving her with half of his heart. So basically she’s going to get nothing.

6) Lyrics “Edge of desire”
“don't say a word/just come over and lie here with me”
Translation: Shut up and fuck me

7) Lyrics “Friends, Lovers or Nothing”
“You whisper "Come on over"/Cause your two drinks in/But in the morning I will say goodbye again”
So basically John Mayer is the kind of ex boyfriend who will come over and shag your drunk-ass and then leave you in dumpsville with nothing but a hangover and a reason to use the morning after pill.

8) Anything else to do with the album.


So after hearing this album (the second of my two listens before I deleted it from my iPod), I came to the realistation that all along John Mayer had an evil plan of writing deviant lyrics and hiding them behind wicked guitar skills.


To further illustrate my new feelings towards John, here is a brief trip down memory lane to the older John Mayer albums. My newfound realisation has drawn some light to some thoughts lurking in my subconscious. Some part of me had always realised there were some dodgy lyrics, but I, along with millions of other 15 year old girls, was fooled by the misdirection of false sentiments, disguised behind the music ie John Mayer’s evil plan.

Song: Wheel
Wankiness: “I won’t be the last to love her” / “No you won’t be the first to love me”

Song: Something’s missing
Wankiness: “Friends -check- Money -check-A well slept Opposite sex –check”

Song: Not Myself
Wankiness: “Would you want me when I’m not myself”

Song : Comfortable
Wankiness: “I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to…………she’s perfect so flawless I’m not impressed I want you back”

Song: No Such Thing
Wankiness: “I am invincible as long as I’m alive”


Now I don’t regret the time spent on the older albums, we had a lovely time together, and it was fun while it lasted, but this new album has basically left me feeling like John Mayer was cheating on me throughout our whole relationship. It does in no way make me want to offer a sympathy shag should I ever meet him. Now I would only sleep with him because he has slept with Jennifer Aniston, who has slept with Brad Pitt, so if I slept with John Mayer…I would almost have slept with Brad Pitt. Win.

Facebook Groups

Status to be fleshed out:

...i really did flip my pillow over last night...does that mean i have to join that stupid group?

There are some terrible groups on facebook. There is one group named something like "I see the group. I laugh. I join. I never look at it again". This groups is sort of terrible, but only sort of - it gets points for accuracy because let's face it, none of us really do anything once we join a group.

Other crap groups include:

"I flip my pillow over to the cold side" groups. Partially because I do NOT flip my pillow (unlike many of my friends) but because I don't care who does this and who does not.

"I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves" groups. Many of these groups say "leafs" or something else retarded, but also because they are filled with annoying people trying to show their annoying friends how unique they are, trying to hold on to their childhood by acting like a toddler despite being 21 and studying Biochemisty. After joining this group they probably go and listen to '30 Seconds to Mars'.

"I broke my phone and need your numbers" groups. Created by lazy alcoholics. Joined by people who won't post their number and won't leave the group. Ever.
One of my friends just joined a group called "Needja digits!". I wouldn't join on principle.

"If [some batshit crazy number] people join, [something CRAZY will happen]" groups. No, no it won't. That lady isn't going to name her child "Megatron", that guy isn't changing is name to "Pope of chilli town", there will always be school on Fridays, and no you can't have visible tattoos or piercings at work. Move on.



Groups that (in my opinion) are awesome

Funny topical groups - but only if you leave once the story is over eg "I had an affair with Tiger Woods". Obviously I did not actually have an affair with Tiger Woods. I can prove it because I don't look like Charlize Theron (schwing!), and because I'm currently broke. But for 3 weeks it's funny.

Anything about tights not being pants eg "Tights are not pants", "I can see your tights, but where are your pants?". I like these because tights are in face NOT PANTS.

Groups that justify unhealthy living - "Cheese and Bacon is an entire meal", "Mi Goreng Appreciation Society", "I love champagne and champagne loves me". Not because I think being unhealthy makes me cool, but because I am unhealthy.

Also, anything about how awesome Bruce Willis* is.

Done.

* will also accept John McLane, Die Hard, Yippy Ki Yay.

Mossimo >>>> Bonds

Fleshed out update:

...is buying 60 chupa chups for $9.72 at Big W

So I will sit here, suck on my 16.2 cent lollypop (strawberry) and blog away.

Obviously I went shopping, and as I found it necessary to share my delight at the chupa chup purchase, you can assume correctly it wasn't a very goal-oriented shopping day. The main thing I brought away from this shopping (besides the collection of random objects which included highlighters and previously mentioned candy), is....

SCREW YOU BONDS

When did it become ok for Bonds to charge so much for normal underwear?

First I shall note that I'm not some stingy hobo wearing undies from the bin outside Coles, but really Bonds clearly thinks it is way more awesome than it is.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy Bonds like every single other Australian. Their singlets made up 80% of my wardrobe from the year 2004-2006, the hoodies are perfection and I've probably had their hipster bikini in every colour. Ever.

However, on the shopping trip that resulted in the update, I began in Myer and bought a pair of MitchDowd Girl undies (blue and awesome) for $13.95, and 2 pairs of Mossimo boyleg for $19.95, and because Myer is supreme in the underwear realm, they were 25% off. Fabulous. I felt like I was practically stealing from them.

I digress....anyway we ended up in Target (you must always visit Target and you will always purchase things you didn't know you needed. Like Bunnings) and the Bonds undies (in Target) were $12. And that was 20% off!

Bonds. $12. Each. In Target.
(You'll remember I recently paid $7.48 each for Mossimo)

Are you kidding? When did that happen? I admit I may have graduated from Bonds (mostly), but I remember them being like $6...or something. What the f?
Wearing Bonds said "I am wearing undies that are just undies, but they're comfy and in a good colour, and you're probably wearing them too" (just like Chloe & Lola says "I'm female and I make money, but I'd prefer that YOU just made more money so I can spend my time buying nice girly things").

I'm not complaining at the price of $12 (obviously), but Bonds used to be cool and cheap. Now they're too cool. Bonds needs to have a look at their brand identity - just because you have a section in Myer and Davind Jones does not mean you are competing with Elle Macpherson. You're not. Calvin Klein can charge whatever they want. You're Bonds. Go back in your box.

Hehehehe "box".

You should always do what other people tell you to

I was told on facebook that I should take my status updates, flesh them out a little, sign off "Lisa F. Daly" and make a blog. And because you should always do what people tell you, here I am.

It apparently shall be a best seller and get me out of pharmacy in 3 years. I bloody well hope so.

Enjoy.